This week being pregnant started to really, really not be…
When I set my goal weight of 65 kgs it seemed like a bit of a magical number that I never thought I’d actually reach. The elusive 65kg mark, in my mind, was a mythical thing almost like a unicorn rarely seen, special and beautiful. It has taken a while for my head to catch up to my physical changes and over the last wee while I’ve been thinking critically (but not negatively let’s get that straight right now) about how my body looks now.
There’s two main and different states of my body now clothed and unclothed. Let me tell you there is a huge difference between the two states. While clothed I look about how I expect to in terms of size and shape. I do look different depending on what I wear and some things make me look tiny while others don’t but that’s okay. I’m always so surprised how much better things fit my body in terms of overall shape and fit of garments and it makes shopping much easier I have to say.
On the other hand naked me at goal weight is not what I expected. I never came into this process with the expectation that I would lose a huge amount of weight and be prancing around with a toned, tight, spectacularly beautiful body at the end of all of this. Overall my skin has feared much better than I could have hoped but it’s still not something I’m going to show off for fun either.
I don’t know if it’s still my brain catching up with my body but I don’t think I look as small as I thought I would naked at my goal weight. I do think that my perceptions are probably still a bit skewed from being morbidly obese and not having any perception or awareness of how a 65kg body would look unclothed. I imagine, if this is just a bit of skewed perception, it will continue to change and my brain may catch up a bit more.
Since I’m smaller than I’ve been in my teen and adult life I can really notice small differences in my body now. At around 61-62 kgs my tummy gets a bit empty and my skin, in my opinion, looks worse whereas at around 63-64 it has a little bit more padding behind it and the skin is not so wrinkly. I also am a bit surprised by how bony my chest is now but that’s possibly because I never saw those bones before. I can now almost tell my weight based on how many of my chest bones I can see, there really is a first time for everything right?
Please don’t get the premise of this post wrong I’m pretty happy with my body overall it’s just, at this point, a little different than what I expected. Prior to surgery I used to try and cover up as much of my body as I could because I was embarrassed about now I looked. Now I have a few wee areas where the skin isn’t so great like the bottom of my tummy, the tops of my arms and the top inner thighs but in terms of general shape and size I don’t want to change a thing.
I do wonder where these influences have come from and wonder how much of it is from the media. While I know most images of models, especially in media, are not real I think I would be crazy to say none of it has invaded my way of thinking about my own body. I guess I had an idea in my head when I was at my starting weight and I don’t think my body has ended up looking like what I thought it would. That’s okay and I’ve written this post because I think it’s good for others to know that your body may not end up how you think it might and its good to be prepared for anything.
I think I might revisit this topic again in another 6 to 12 months to see if and how my thoughts around what my body looks like have changed again. Certainly, as my head catches up my perception is bound to change. Has you body changed in ways you didn’t expect before through weight loss (gastric bypass or other bariatric surgery or otherwise), pregnancy or something else? Let me know in the comments below what you think influences and shapes our perceptions about our bodies.