Sometimes I wish I could stop paying attention

Sometimes I wish I could stop paying attention

Quite a while ago now my dietician asked me if I ever forgot that I had had bypass surgery. My immediate reaction was a firm, “No,” how could I ever forget that I had done this? As time has gone on I haven’t ever really got to the point of forgetting completely that I’ve had surgery (apart from this one time I ate too many lollies at once accidentally) but sometimes it would be nice if I could. Being vigilant and organised and always trying to do the right thing gets really hard and, if I’m being totally honest, boring at times. Sometimes it seems like it would be good if I could stop paying attention.

Being really vigilant and purposeful with everything you eat and the activity you do gets exhausting. Every now and then I get to the point where I start thinking I just don’t care anymore and I just want to do whatever I want. I know I have physical limits I can’t cross but sometimes I find it frustrating having had that choice taken away from me. I know much of my behaviour with food in the past before my surgery wasn’t helpful and wasn’t healthy but sometimes I just want to go back to a time where I can just have a big blowout and pretend for a minute that it may actually be exactly what I need at that time.

Another time I struggle to do the right thing for myself is when I’m not well. In the past whenever I was sick I would ‘look after myself’ and ‘treat myself’ with yummy food. Since my gastric bypass surgery I find lose interesting in eating generally when I’m unwell and annoyingly, things I shouldn’t necessarily have really ungratifying. Then I get a bit confused and feel sorry for myself and remember that food just doesn’t do it for me anymore.

The physical limitations that I have now as a result of my gastric bypass surgery stop me from going totally off the rails. I know that while I can push things in some ways to a certain degree there are limits and things I cannot do no matter how much I want to or think is a good idea. I have never wished I hadn’t had my gastric bypass but there’s times I’ve got close. When I’m in a more reasonable frame of mind I appreciate that this is why I chose a gastric bypass because I knew I would need very firm limits long term.

There are triggers which get me to this point and I’m starting to recognise them and why I start to feel this way at times. When I get really tired, basically almost to the point of total exhaustion, I start thinking like this. When I’m unwell and especially if it carries on for a bit or impacts on my exercise routine. Stress is a huge one for me, I still haven’t found an ideal way to deal with stress (if you have let me know what that is please!) and it’s hard to manage it at times. There are other things that contribute to me feeling like I just want to give up and not have to think about it these are the main ones I can articulate.

To stop myself getting to the point of not caring, self-care and making sure I look after myself is crucial. I’m a shocker for staying up too late at night and after a week of 5-6 hours sleep each night I really start to feel it and it makes me want to eat. I guess it’s an old reflex that tries to tell me I will get more energy to get through my day. I need to make sure I don’t take on too much and have time for food prep and planning. If everything is already mostly done then it’s so much easier but if you’re already exhausted the last thing you want to do is a couple of hours food prep.

If you’ve been feeling like this I hope, as it is for myself, it’s a temporary feeling. It never usually lasts too long but it can be really frustrating when it strikes. I am so appreciative of everything bariatric surgery has given back to me that it’s usually not too hard to dig myself out of the not caring hole but it doesn’t stop me getting there from time to time.

Do you sometimes wish you could ignore the fact that you had surgery and could carry on like you used to? Do you ever miss your old life or have you not? Comment below and let me know I’d love to hear what you think.

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